Long Month

There has been so much stuff going on this month, and now it’s almost over. Which means that finals week is approaching now too. I’m excited to go home. I miss my family and my friend. My dad just had surgery, and I’m sad that I wasn’t able to be there. Everything went well, but I wish I had been able to be there. 

I’ve packed most of my college stuff now. My dorm room is really deconstructed now. It’s sad, but I’m anxious to be home. I’m going to be busy this summer. There is so much stuff that I need to do in order to graduate on time. 

I am excited for next year though because I’m going to be living with my friend. It should be a good time. We have both complained a lot about our roommates, and now we are finally going to try to live together. I hope everything will go well. 

I’m anxious about traveling. It used to be exciting, and now I just want to get it over with. It’s just a waste of a day. I wish there was a simpler way to travel. I hope I don’t miss my flights, and I hope they don’t get delayed because I just want to be home on time. 

I really don’t feel like studying at all for finals, but I should. It’s just a drag. I wish there was a simpler way to be done with school. 

Odd

It’s odd how when I am on “break” I don’t have the inclination to blog. I would think that it is the opportune moment to blog more, but I just don’t feel much like it. I guess when I think of break I think of not doing anything at all. It’s a bad habit from my normal school days.

Well I’m not really on a real break this month though…I’m taking a summer course in my hometown community college, so maybe that is why I had the inclination to blog. haha I don’t know. Usually when I get stressed out or when I feel like I should be working on something else is when I have the “desire” to blog.

I should really be studying for a test I have later today, but yet here I am. I’ve been a little frustrated with myself with regards to my studying habits. Not only that, but I also feel like I need to be a little more motivated when it comes to my future. I don’t really know why I find it so hard to enjoy the things I am studying.

Ugh it would be so much simpler if I enjoyed the field I am studying, but I guess my mind just doesn’t wan’t to merge with what I want. I don’t know…

Well anyway summer is going pretty well, and I’m enjoying myself more-even if I am taking a summer course. (At least it’s only one month, last year I took courses all throughout summer…yeah that was like almost two years of non-stop schoolwork.)

Let’s change topics. One thing that I am really excited about is going to Mexico. When I was younger we used to go every summer, but it’s been getting really dangerous in Mexico lately. I hadn’t been able to go in like 5 years. I’m excited to be able to go this summer, but I’m also a little bit scared because it’s not like things have gotten better.

Well I hope everything works out…now I really need to get studying for this test…

Friends

It’s incredible to notice the gradual change in yourself. I’ve noticed some subtle differences in my “system.” An example of this would be the subtle change in the way I made friends. When I was little we moved from California to Texas. We lived with my uncle for a little bit, and then once my parents found a house we moved out. The problem with that was that I was already in a different school, and the change of adress sent me to a different elementary school. It’s odd but little kids can certainly be meaner than adults. To put it nicely I wasn’t liked much because I was weird. I came after everyone else had already known each other, and kids aren’t that comfortable with change. I was pretty much isolated. I don’t think I minded much. The elementary school years were already filled with a lot of new things and I was too interested in coloring or reading than to bother with making friends.

I don’t remember crying about it or anything. I think I got along with the teachers, and that was good enough for me. So I didn’t really have close friends from my early childhood days. In third grade I got moved to an all english classroom (I used to be in a bilingual class). I think I had an easier time in this atmosphere since a lot of the kids were from different classrooms. Bilingual classes tend to stick together. Most of the kids from my kindergarten class up to my second grade class were always together. So it was odd for one of us to be moved out, but I embraced it because I wanted to have more friends. I ended up opening up more in the all english class. Again these students didn’t know each other that well becuase they all came from differing classes.

I met my best friend in this class. We are still friends now. We aren’t as close as we used to be, but I think that’s because of the distance. I am in New York, and she is in Oklahoma. It’s only natural to lose a little of the closeness. Anyway…I guess now as an adult you have to take the time to be friendly to everyone. It’s kind of a hard concept. I’m just not comforable talking to people sometimes I prefer to be by myself. It’s odd. I have a handful of friends, but I am really only close to about 3 of them. These 3 people are the ones that I would trust with my deepest darkest secrets. ha So I guess now that I am older I have to pretend to like people, and I hate doing it. I geniuenly like the nice people, but sometimes it’s hard for me to like the materialistic people. It doesn’t help that I go to a private college in upstate NY. A lot of people up there are rich, and a little spoiled. So yeah it’s hard to deal with them sometimes.

Anyway this is more random than what I wanted to originally haha I definitely got distracted….

~Timafa12~

Sometimes it’s hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you look underneath the underneath, then sometimes there worth a chance.

Giving Up

Some days I feel like giving up. Is everything worth it? Is this really what I want to be doing with my life? I just get a little melancholic, and I feel trapped. I guess it’s a little odd for me to feel trapped because it’s not like my parents or anyone else forced me to come to college. I choose my major, and I’ve chosen what I want out of life. Still…some days I find myself wondering if all this hard work will pay off.

Am I doing enough? Should I work harder? I know I have the potential to do better, but I just can’t seem to motivate myself fully either. All these thoughts and emotions plague and overcome me. Why can’t I do better? Why can’t I try harder? It’s frustrating. It’s too much sometimes. Some days I just feel like disappearing. I just want to be gone. 

I’m not saying that I’m suicidal or anything like that, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I want a concrete break. A week is not enough. I want maybe a year to go out and do crazy shit, but I know I can’t afford to take a year off right now-not in the middle of my degree. It’s just so suffocating sometimes. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel empty and devoid. It’s hard to explain…I just…I don’t know. I don’t even know what I want some days. I don’t know where I am going, and that seriously scares me. 

~Timafa12~

I don’t know what the future will bring, I don’t know where I will end up, and that is the scariest part of my life right now-the uncertainty. 

How Can I Be So Lazy?

I’ve been lagging behind in school a lot this semester. I started out doing fine, and then of course my laziness and need to procrastinate have been dragging me down. It’s so unfair, but the only one to blame is myself. How is it that I always find ways to put off schoolwork? How do I even manage to convince myself that I will do amazing on a test with minimal studying? The one class that I actually enjoy I have been doing great in. I am pretty sure I can get an A average. I’ve been wanting to change my major from biology to psychology. I want to be a psychiatrist, so wouldn’t it make more sense for my major to be psychology? Then again, biology covers a lot of the material that I need to get into med school…Ugh classes have just gotten so confusing lately. It really truly sucks.

My college has these things called ABC tests (you must take them for Calculus I and Calculus II). The ABC test for Calculus I covers materials from pre-calculus, and the ABC test for Calculus II covers the stuff we learned in Calculus I. You must get a 90 or better on them or else the best grade you can receive in your calculus class is a D (there are 20 questions for each test & you only get one hour to complete it). To me that’s total bullshit because if I passed my pre-cal and my first semester calculus course why the heck do I need to prove that I know that shit. I am not ever doing anything for calculus. I want to go to medical school. I don’t want to spend my time studying for a stupid math class. Especially since it’s been one of the things I’ve been stressing about.

BLEH I just can’t take much more of calculus anymore.

~Timafa~
Whenever times look bad, remember that you made out of bad times before, and you can certainly do it again.

Happy New Year!

🙂 Well this year I hope to start trying harder. I want to see my full potential instead of just going with what I know. I know I need to study harder and all that, and hopefully I can commit to that. I’m excited because I have been losing some weight and it’s nice to know that I am getting closer to reaching my goal. Num Num I don’t really have much else to say…I have a ton of homework that I left until the last minute, and hopefully I can finish it! I don’t really want to go back to school haha having a break is so nice. Ugh I’m trying to think on the positive side of things though because I know I want to see my friends. So now I have to get going because I need to finish homework. I’ll update in more detail later. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

~Timafa~
“Friendship is a single soul living in two bodies.” Aristotle  

When Is Life Not Interesting?

Thanksgiving break seemed as short as hell. I wanted it to last longer, and be more, you know, exciting I guess. I’m not saying it was boring, but it was a little too bland. No I don’t mean to sound like a food critic either. I have been meaning to blog for a few days, but I was to lazy to do so. I had some nice ideas as well, but guess what my mind is not that complex, and because of that I can’t remember those “Oh so amazing ideas”. Don’t you hate it when that happens? When you get this brilliant idea, and then it just completely washes over you. Well I absolutely abhor it when it happens, and it happens quite often to me. 

My Thanksgiving revolved around my mother’s delightful cooking. I mean she is just the best cook in the world, and I honestly believe that (well apart from the Asian food cause I love the Asian food…specifically Chinese). Anyway I didn’t pig out as bad as I have done the past years. I had one plate and one plate only, and it wasn’t even that full either. Now that is definitely what I call an improvement. I also have loads of homework, and I’m being a super procrastinator and not doing anything. I know it’s super horrible! Well, I was sort of…kind of…productive today. Ehhh I made a chocolate cake for one of my Friends (for her birthday)! 😀 I should have been doing homework, but I figured she deserved a chocolate cake. 

Anyhow, lately I think (Hint: Think) I’ve been losing some weight. Cuz I weighed myself when I got home from school and it said I’d lost like 2 pounds which is just fantastic. Now if I can only stick to the plan I have going then everything will be awesome. I hope that I can stick to this plan because as I have mentioned before I am not a really ‘stick to it’ kind of person. I definitely want to change that, so it is what I am working on. That issue and my stupid procrastination issue as well. 

~Timafa~

Time flies by even when it seems like it dwells.

Something Just Broke…

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something inside me crumbled this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was just something meaningless, that seemed to make my heart stop beating. What can you say caused it? It was something so minuscule, so condescending, so preposterous that even I can not believe it. What brought my resolve down? Well, l don’t exactly want to say what it was because honestly it’s embarrassing to get upset over such a petty thing. I’ll keep that reason to myself, at least for now. My resolve crumbled and I felt like bursting in tears for a while, but then I just seemed to get over it. All I can say is that I have wonderful, amazing, cheerful friends, and I am sure that some/none of them had any idea that I was upset, but I’m glad that they can make my mood brighten. I’m a very reclusive kind of girl, and I won’t let anything out that I don’t want anyone to see. Sure, sometimes, things slip out, but that’s bound to happen. 

The only thing that I can do to make that small thing invisible is to change. I assure myself that change can’t be as bad as it seems. It can’t be as awful and as devastating as it seems…can it? I guess it can only be as horrible as the changes I’ll make. 🙂 I’ve been denying change for far too long. School has got me beaten I honestly can’t wait until Friday because the new Harry Potter will be out! I’m definitely going to try to make it to the midnight showing. Also this is also the last week before Thanksgiving Break and it’s awesome!! I can’t wait to be homework free for like a week…of course I will probably be catching up on my notes and stuff for classes.

~Timafa~

The sky opens up to reveal the nightly wonders.

Waking Up to A New World

First day of school was today. The beginning of my Junior year in High School. It was the most tiring day that I have had in quite a while. Anyway leaving things behind takes courage, reuniting things takes guts, and let’s say that today I did the later. I am not quite sure if it was worth it, but I know I did the right thing. If I hadn’t tried then I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. Sometimes taking that chance can give you all the happiness in the world, and sometimes you wish you hadn’t done it…I know for a fact that expressing one’s feelings is not an easy thing to do, but sometimes when you do it it’s like another part of yourself opens and you let yourself be free.

So bleh bleh bleh, school was fine/great/tiring. My life takes another turn to my future, so what? What’s so important about it anyway…? The truth of it is that it’s a great part of my life whether I like it or not. Whether I take it seriously or just do enough to get me through. I don’t think that I will ever belittle education because it was something that my parents never got a chance to try. They went to elementary and then they were taken out because they needed to help provide for their family’s (as in they were put to work). Even though my parents didn’t get the education, they deserved it. They want my brother and I to have the best possible life, and if I can’t achieve that for them then what kind of daughter am I? Failure is not an option here!

My dad is probably one of the smartest peoples I know, and it’s not just because he’s my dad. He pays attention to everything around him, and even by just looking at something once he can memorize the process and replicate the work. (I’m not joking!) He knows how to do plumbing, roofing (although he doesn’t really like high places) he knows how to fix cars, he knows how to do air conditioning (he installed the ac system in our house by himself), he knows how to do pool stuff, windows, electricity things…He’s fixed so many things in his lifetime, and I honestly can say that I would rather not have any other dad in the whole world. 

My mother on the other hand is so caring. Even though, sometimes I get tired of her repeating things over and over I know she only does it to makes us understand. After all, repeating things get’s them stuck in your mind. She gets on me when I do something wrong only because she cares enough to tell me the truth. I can tell my mother anything, and she can make it all better just by being there and listening to my endless chatter. I can be annoying and sometimes I don’t tend to listen very well, but I know that sometime I will understand her side of things. 

My family is an essential part of my life without them I would be nothing…non-existent. I am proud to have such great parents, and I am glad that they listen and understand my problems without a doubt in their mind. They think about others too, and isn’t that an important part of life?…to learn to think about what others feel, and what they go through. They showed me to try to understand what is truly important, and not the materialistic part of life…but the love and kindness that is in everyones hearts.

~Timafa~

One day your parents will be gone, and by then you will have realized that everything they said and did was right.

P.S. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa Batman Batman (don’t even know if that’s the right amount of Na’s).