Friendships

Maintaining a friendship is hard. I’ve been out of high school for two years, and I haven’t really made many new friends in college. Granted I have a really close friend here. 🙂 I’m not really frustrated with my lack of friends here to be honest, but I do get frustrated with how mean and manipulative people can be. I just like to be an honest and nice person (I give people the benefit of the doubt), but I’ve been hurt by that aspect of my personality. It’s hard to maintain a positive outlook on making new friends when so many of the people here are so self-righteous and conceited.

I guess I’m glad though because I know that my friends from home will always be there for me no matter what, and I’m glad because without them…how would I have had the courage to keep on going-and to persevere? I know that people need each other. I know that even if my friends are hours away I can count on them, and to me that is a huge relief. It’s amazing. I’m very thankful for the friends that I have, and I would never trade them for anything in the world. They are the best-in all honesty, and they’ve been dealing with my shortcomings, my insecurities, and my rashness for years. I truly appreciate that because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

On the other hand, there are broken friendships that will most likely never mend, and I am okay with that truly. If you weren’t a strong enough person to stick by me like I did for you, then you deserve to not be part of my life anymore. It might sound mean, but giving you a third chance would be rightfully stupid in my book. I’m okay with moving on with my friendships. Even though you are no longer my friend, I’ll treasure the memories we had together. The association and comradery that we had will be remembered because I had a good time. I won’t be an idiot to try to forget you like that because no matter how much I wish to deny it, you were a part of my life. You may have caused/stirred a change in me no matter how minuscule, and I appreciate it.

I’ve grown a lot over these past few years. I’ve learned to start fending for myself, and to look beyond the surface. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I’m still here holding strong. I’m still here, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone get me down anymore. I’ve had enough of my wallowing. I’ve had enough of my insecurities.

*Yeah so that broken friendship paragraph  is more worded towards the person that I had a falling out with. I got a little rant-y in there haha but that’s why this is a personal blog. Anyway hope everyone has a lovely weekend.*

~Timafa12~

No matter how long you try to hold on to something, sometimes it’s just best to let it go. Just let it go and move on because there are better and greater things waiting for you in the world.

Life is so fragile-so easily broken. It’s like everything can crumble in an instant. Everything can change in a moment. Fleeting feelings, fleeting time, fleeting life. Death, illness, unbelievable hurt can all happen in an instant. All in a moment, and once it happens everything is left unceremoniously broken.

I feel..

I just feel broken. What am I doing with my life? Why do I disgust myself so much somedays? Why can’t I be confident with who I am? Why am I such a mess? Why can’t I sleep properly? All this shit I am doing to myself is irreplaceable damage, yet I can’t stop myself from thinking that I deserve it.
I just can’t deal with my own mind somedays. It tortures me. It hurts me in ways nothing else ever could.
I just feel so worthless recently. I don’t deserve anything. I’m such a shitty friend. I’m a horrible, disgusting, twisting liar. I’m a monster.
I just can’t understand why I am this way…? Why? Oh god I just don’t even know what to do with myself anymore.
I’ve been wallowing, skipping classes, and lying to my best friend here. I’m such a horrible person. I’m disappointing my parents by not working hard here at school. I’m a shitty daughter. I just can’t help but feel absolutely worthless. This week has been absolutely horrible. It’s like everything in my life has come crashing down.
Who am I really? What is my purpose? What is my life going to be? I just don’t understand anymore. This pain is ripping me apart, and it’s hard to ignore it because it is so unbearably loud in my mind. It just won’t stop…it won’t stop torturing me. It won’t stop threatening me. God I just want it to stop…please make it stop. Make it go away.

B-Day!

Hi, today was my birthday and I turned 16! 🙂 It was a good day overall although I do think that some problems went on…it was a very relaxing day and most of it was well spent. I want to say that I skipped dinner tonight 🙂 which made me really happy…yeah so maybe it’s not the best idea, but it made me feel better about myself. I have also finished the book The perks of being a wallflower, and I really enjoyed reading it. I got it from Emily’s blog which is lovetriesandloveshoteyes and I have always enjoyed reading her blog these past few months, and she inspired me to make my own. Yeah I know whatever so moving on…I wanted to thank everyone of my friends who wished me a happy birthday, and I am happy to know that they didn’t forget 🙂 even though they will probably never read this I still wanted to say it…it made me feel like I wasn’t alone anymore made me feel loved and wanted. I think those last few words sound pathetic, and I really think I am pathetic at the moment because thinking these things just is. I feel awful sometimes because I end up doubting my friends, and I feel horrible about it because I know I am such a bad friend for ever having doubted them, and I whine about them. My english teacher has been making me feel great about myself because she encourages me to become a better person, even though, she does not say directly. It’s really her belief in me, I guess, because it makes me want to live up to her expectations and prove to her that I can fight for what I want in life. I want to be a better person, and I hope that someday I can help others like me who have doubts about themselves and those who go through hard times in their life. I can never say how sorry I am to those people that I loved long ago, but there is always a new start to and ending…don’t you think? I really don’t know if that made any sense, but I’m thinking that this is my try at retribution, but I doubt my blogs will get “happy” instantly, especially after having realized what I have just said to everyone who reads this. I am sure that my blogs may get worse, but I really hope that I can start making changes to them to liven them up a bit, to make them happier and full of wonderful memories that I never want to forget.

-Timafa-