Long Month

There has been so much stuff going on this month, and now it’s almost over. Which means that finals week is approaching now too. I’m excited to go home. I miss my family and my friend. My dad just had surgery, and I’m sad that I wasn’t able to be there. Everything went well, but I wish I had been able to be there. 

I’ve packed most of my college stuff now. My dorm room is really deconstructed now. It’s sad, but I’m anxious to be home. I’m going to be busy this summer. There is so much stuff that I need to do in order to graduate on time. 

I am excited for next year though because I’m going to be living with my friend. It should be a good time. We have both complained a lot about our roommates, and now we are finally going to try to live together. I hope everything will go well. 

I’m anxious about traveling. It used to be exciting, and now I just want to get it over with. It’s just a waste of a day. I wish there was a simpler way to travel. I hope I don’t miss my flights, and I hope they don’t get delayed because I just want to be home on time. 

I really don’t feel like studying at all for finals, but I should. It’s just a drag. I wish there was a simpler way to be done with school. 

Regret

Regret is a powerful thing. Going back and looking back at all the memories of my life I realized that I wish I could have changed some things. I wish I would have been nobler. I wish I would have had more courage. I wish I had been a better person. I just wish I could have changed a lot of things. I don’t really know why I started to reminisce, but these were some powerful memories that just didn’t want to leave me alone. They kept replaying themselves in my head. It’s hard to realize your mistakes.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and some of them have been because I hold grudges. It’s hard to put yourself in someone else’s shoes without knowing all the facts. I’ve lost some friends over time, but some of the losses hit me harder than others. It’s just ludicrous to me how I lost some of these friends that I became so close to. It makes me realize that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not healthy to hold on to grudges. It’s better to let go of these. I’ve let go of things, but sometimes it’s too late-especially when it comes to friendships.

Friends are for a lifetime if things work out correctly, and I’ve let little things interfere with some of my friendships. I let things get awkward with some, and I’ve gotten mad over insignificant matters. I just wish that I would’ve worked through things with some of my past friends.

~Timafa12~

I have regrets, but I’ll remember these moments when I make my future choices.

Friends

It’s incredible to notice the gradual change in yourself. I’ve noticed some subtle differences in my “system.” An example of this would be the subtle change in the way I made friends. When I was little we moved from California to Texas. We lived with my uncle for a little bit, and then once my parents found a house we moved out. The problem with that was that I was already in a different school, and the change of adress sent me to a different elementary school. It’s odd but little kids can certainly be meaner than adults. To put it nicely I wasn’t liked much because I was weird. I came after everyone else had already known each other, and kids aren’t that comfortable with change. I was pretty much isolated. I don’t think I minded much. The elementary school years were already filled with a lot of new things and I was too interested in coloring or reading than to bother with making friends.

I don’t remember crying about it or anything. I think I got along with the teachers, and that was good enough for me. So I didn’t really have close friends from my early childhood days. In third grade I got moved to an all english classroom (I used to be in a bilingual class). I think I had an easier time in this atmosphere since a lot of the kids were from different classrooms. Bilingual classes tend to stick together. Most of the kids from my kindergarten class up to my second grade class were always together. So it was odd for one of us to be moved out, but I embraced it because I wanted to have more friends. I ended up opening up more in the all english class. Again these students didn’t know each other that well becuase they all came from differing classes.

I met my best friend in this class. We are still friends now. We aren’t as close as we used to be, but I think that’s because of the distance. I am in New York, and she is in Oklahoma. It’s only natural to lose a little of the closeness. Anyway…I guess now as an adult you have to take the time to be friendly to everyone. It’s kind of a hard concept. I’m just not comforable talking to people sometimes I prefer to be by myself. It’s odd. I have a handful of friends, but I am really only close to about 3 of them. These 3 people are the ones that I would trust with my deepest darkest secrets. ha So I guess now that I am older I have to pretend to like people, and I hate doing it. I geniuenly like the nice people, but sometimes it’s hard for me to like the materialistic people. It doesn’t help that I go to a private college in upstate NY. A lot of people up there are rich, and a little spoiled. So yeah it’s hard to deal with them sometimes.

Anyway this is more random than what I wanted to originally haha I definitely got distracted….

~Timafa12~

Sometimes it’s hard to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you look underneath the underneath, then sometimes there worth a chance.

Friendships

Maintaining a friendship is hard. I’ve been out of high school for two years, and I haven’t really made many new friends in college. Granted I have a really close friend here. 🙂 I’m not really frustrated with my lack of friends here to be honest, but I do get frustrated with how mean and manipulative people can be. I just like to be an honest and nice person (I give people the benefit of the doubt), but I’ve been hurt by that aspect of my personality. It’s hard to maintain a positive outlook on making new friends when so many of the people here are so self-righteous and conceited.

I guess I’m glad though because I know that my friends from home will always be there for me no matter what, and I’m glad because without them…how would I have had the courage to keep on going-and to persevere? I know that people need each other. I know that even if my friends are hours away I can count on them, and to me that is a huge relief. It’s amazing. I’m very thankful for the friends that I have, and I would never trade them for anything in the world. They are the best-in all honesty, and they’ve been dealing with my shortcomings, my insecurities, and my rashness for years. I truly appreciate that because I wouldn’t be the person that I am today without them.

On the other hand, there are broken friendships that will most likely never mend, and I am okay with that truly. If you weren’t a strong enough person to stick by me like I did for you, then you deserve to not be part of my life anymore. It might sound mean, but giving you a third chance would be rightfully stupid in my book. I’m okay with moving on with my friendships. Even though you are no longer my friend, I’ll treasure the memories we had together. The association and comradery that we had will be remembered because I had a good time. I won’t be an idiot to try to forget you like that because no matter how much I wish to deny it, you were a part of my life. You may have caused/stirred a change in me no matter how minuscule, and I appreciate it.

I’ve grown a lot over these past few years. I’ve learned to start fending for myself, and to look beyond the surface. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, but I’m still here holding strong. I’m still here, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone get me down anymore. I’ve had enough of my wallowing. I’ve had enough of my insecurities.

*Yeah so that broken friendship paragraph  is more worded towards the person that I had a falling out with. I got a little rant-y in there haha but that’s why this is a personal blog. Anyway hope everyone has a lovely weekend.*

~Timafa12~

No matter how long you try to hold on to something, sometimes it’s just best to let it go. Just let it go and move on because there are better and greater things waiting for you in the world.

Funny How Things Turn Out

I made friends in college, and then I undid some friendships (of course it wasn’t just me who caused such friendships to crumble). The funny thing is that I actually feel more at ease without having any of these people as my friends….weird, huh? I guess one of the reasons why it doesn’t bother me so much is because I know that in my time here I have at least made one really good friend. This girl from the other side of the world is exactly like me. Well not exactly like me, but close enough that we get along so well. In all honesty I would rather have one good friend, than a bunch of lousy (backstabbing) friends. Haha I guess that sort of makes me a loner. Hmm I never thought of myself as a loner, but I guess that’s the kind of person I am in college. The reason I am like this is because most of the people here are either drama starters or too conceited with themselves to really listen to someone else’s demons. I don’t know. I’m the type of person that likes to listen to people. I love it when people confide in me, and talk to me about their problems that’s part of the reason why I am so drawn to psychiatry/psychology. Even though I like listening to others, I also like people who want to listen to me.

At first I couldn’t find that person to confide in, and then I met someone that I could talk to. It was such a great feeling, and it seemed like she understood me so well. Then the friendship just crumbled. If you remember my last post, then I think you know who I am referring to. Yes, it was the girl I went to spend fall recess with. I thought we were so alike, and I thought I could trust her. Then BAM! all of the sudden she’s acting fucking shady. She isn’t talking to me anymore. It seems like I am invisible now. I confront her about it, and she says she is more of a loner. She says she isn’t the type of person to be “buddy buddy” with someone. Of course I was in little in shock. Why the fuck would you even talk me if this was the case? The funny thing is that she said all she could handle was her roommate, and then I see her hanging around with all the same people except me. Haha Obviously what does that make me think? What does that sort of thing make you think? She was either using me to let go of her emotions, or she just wanted to fuck me over. I don’t understand this even now. BLEH Whatever I’m over this bitch. I just wanted to re-tell the story cause it sort of ties in with what I wanted to blog about.

Back to my topic. There was a point in college when I really felt like going home because I felt like I had no one to confide in. No one to talk with. I honestly called my mom and balled my eyes out. Obviously, since I went out of state for college, my mom would be more than overjoyed to have me back. Anyway I was really sad for a couple of days, and this girl who barely knew me decided to talk to me and we hit it off. 🙂 Now we study and we laugh about how we are the only normal people at my college. I’m so glad I met this girl! She has honestly been the best thing that happened to me in college. She helped bring my spirits up when I was so close to quitting and going home. Not only that, but we like the same movies, tv shows, concepts, and we can laugh and be silly together. Honestly a lot of these Northerners in my college seem like they have a stick shoved up their ass all the time. The only bad thing is that she is a commuter, so we don’t see each other as often as we would both like. 

That brings me to the next point in my story/blog today. I am on the east coast, but where I am it isn’t going to be as vastly affected by the hurricane as other parts of the coast. We are getting strong winds and some rain. I really don’t know how bad it will be at this point. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Anyway I have a roommate who is almost never in our room because her friends live next door, and since my friend is a commuter she had to go home because of the hurricane. So I’ve basically been sitting in my room by myself. At first I was kind of anxious because when I was at home there was always someone with me during storms, but then I realized that I wasn’t really anxious at all. It’s a weird thing to say, but I was excited. Not because there was a storm coming, but because for these past few hours I have felt like myself. I felt at peace because in my heart I knew that I wasn’t trying to pretend to be someone I wasn’t. I knew that what I had been doing was genuine. I guess it was just a moment of clarity. A moment that I needed because being around fake people all the time is stressing. Anyway the storm that is brewing is making me feel at ease in a weird way. I feel like going outside and dancing in the rain (I won’t do it though because it’s really dangerous). I feel like being an idiot. I feel like running around and just embracing everything that I was so scared to be…myself. It’s funny how things work out. It’s funny how a storm that has been brewing can just ease my emotions. I don’t know why and I don’t how, all I know is that I am glad that I had this moment to share with myself and my state of mind. 

 ~Timafa~

It just takes a moment to realize how much you truly love and value your self-worth and person.

Dear Blog

Oh yes I’ve been very neglectful, and I forget about you all the time. The truth is I really have been busy with school, but you know in the end I always end up coming back. I always come back to empty my thoughts. College has had it’s up and downs already. I’ve found some nice friends, lost a few of them, and found one true one. I might be an idiot for losing some of them, but I would rather have one true friend on this campus than a bunch of friends that I can’t lean on. *Hence the song below*

Currently The Best of Bill Withers: Lean on Me By Bill Withers see related

There has been a lot of drama with me. Not good. I had enough issues in high school, and I don’t want to hurt myself anymore. I know I’m much better than that, but it’s hard to remain positive all the time. My childhood friends are so far away from me. It’s not an easy task. I’ve felt like writing/drawing a lot lately, but I haven’t had the time to. I’m a procrastinator by nature, probably because that’s all I did in high school, and I can’t finish my homework unless I actually sit down and tell myself I need to do it. Harsh reality has definitely hit me. My advice…do your homework and learn how to study in high school because it will make college life so much easier! 

So moving on with the drama that has been surrounding my life here.Numero 1: My roommate is a girly girl (I really don’t have a problem with that, but it just makes me think of myself…and I get to comparing myself to her, and it does not go well for me at all). She’s nice. I just sometimes feel like she talks about other people too much .-. I really don’t know as when I was in high school we didn’t really gossip much. okay…so I guess problem number 2 is next: I apparently posted offensive stuff on my twitter. First of all I had no idea people from my college/university even knew I had a Twitter…Second of all things I post on Twitter are not to be taking seriously because I express my emotions when I’m in various moods during the day. So the issue was that on my twitter I posted something about people being too loud, and I was saying to shut the fuck up. I live in a college dorm. Students play sports in the back…they tend to scream. People on my hall tend to be loud too. This guy that was helping my roommate with some homework that day and they were talking about the homework and stuff…(that’s what he said) and then he found out from someone else that I posted that on twitter. We had met before and I thought we were cool and whatnot. Then he proceeds to send me a message on facebook telling me that he had been treating me differently because of what I posted on twitter. I was sort of shocked at that point. I continue to read his message and he says that he was treating me differently because apparently I was the type of person to talk behind someones back (or in this case tweet). <—that was basically exactly what he said. So I was really upset at this point because people at my college/university gossip a lot…and if he thought this then probably most of the people he hanged out with, including my roommate, were thinking the same thing. (My roommate is a local here and most of her friends are from around this town/city which includes a pretty big population here…not to mention she talks to basically everyone.) Anyway I was really upset to the point of almost crying (I didn’t do it! Thank God because I wasn’t in my room by myself at that point.). The reason I was upset was because he basically said that I was backstabbing bitch in “nice” words. At first I denied that I was upset and kept telling myself IDGAF, but eventually it started to get to me. At my high school, yeah there was drama, but most of my friends and I stayed away from it. We didn’t talk about people like they do here. Then my friend from home logs on, and I start telling her about this stuff and she comforts me. She basically tells me that you would expect people to be more mature since this isn’t high school anymore. I obviously agree with her, and then I send him a message back. I’m just going to post it here cause it’s easier:

“That wasn’t the same day you were in here. That was a different day. I was talking about people screaming outside/in the hall. Our hall tends to be loud, and people play in the field thingy behind our dorm. There was one day when I was talking about some girl being in my chair that I didn’t even know. That’s pretty much what I wrote about on Twitter. I understand when people need help with something, and they need help. Obviously they are going to have to talk…that wasn’t what I was annoyed about as I mentioned above. Also I’m not the only person in the world that posts things up on fucking twitter. The stuff I post on there is a way of expressing myself. It’s like when you are having a bad day. If I feel bad, angry, or sad I am bound to get annoyed about something, and that’s what I will be tweeting about…literally stuff that isn’t to be taken seriously. It’s an everyday occurrence. I’m sure I’m not the only one that has had problems with bullshit posted on Twitter. That’s why I tend to not follow people from school because they are bound to get annoyed about things I say, and there is bound to be drama (which I don’t want to be involved in I had enough of that in high school). Anyways, thanks for letting me know why you were treating me differently, so I’m sorry if you were offended by my tweet. I don’t really know what you want from me now. If you don’t want to talk to me, then that’s your choice. If you think I’m lying or that I’m a backstabbing bitch, then that’s your choice too. You can think what you want. I came here to get an education and to eventually achieve my dream of being a psychiatrist, and I came here to make friends too, but that is proving much harder than I expected.”

So yeah that was my long-ass reply. Then I wanted to change the last part because I had made some friends here. The funny thing is that he never replied back. Bet you feel like an idiot. Even if he does start talking to me again it won’t be even close to being the same because he trusted other people before coming and asking me in person. Idiot. Bleh anyway moral of the story is don’t get upset about shit posted on twitter because most of the time your just being paranoid that it’s about you when it’s clearly not. People here are stupid sometimes. I hope no one from school reads my blog because that would be fucking weird. Problem Number 3: I had originally made two good friends here. One of them invited me back to her place and they offered to take me to Niagra Falls. I went with her la di da da. We came back. Everything is good. Then suddenly she’s acting like she’s mad at me. I was appalled so I texted her to ask if she was mad at me, and if I remember correctly this what she said: “I’m not a buddy buddy type of person. All I can deal with is (insert roommate name here). I just need my space.” (Somewhere along those lines.) I was like WTF because first of all you were pretty buddy buddy with me up until we got back and second of all I’m not your boyfriend or anything like that this isn’t a breakup. If you didn’t want to be friends you should have said so in the first place because now I feel like I wasted all this time with you for nothing. I trusted this girl with my innermost thoughts and secrets. Some of those things are written in this blog, and then she goes an does that. BTW Thanks for making my trust issues just that much worse. So I want to talk more about her background and stuff…I probably shouldn’t but whatevs I’m on a roll and I want to feel better about this. She was bullied as a kid on an extreme level (what she says) and that caused her to be self-conscious and all that…instantly connected with her because that’s what I went through too. Anyway apparently she was really fucked up in the head and she started seeing a psychiatrist. She came here and that option was cut out. Whatever and then she was always saying how she would get creeped on by the guys because her boobs are big. She sort of dressed provocatively so you can’t really blame the poor kids. On many occasions she told me she was tired of dressing up like a slut in order to impress guys, but she kept doing it anyway. She always said that guys pointed out her boobs and that she felt that they liked her body more than her personality and stuff. Anyway the other day I saw her in one of my lectures and she was definitely dressed provocatively with a very low cut top. Her boobs were jumping out of that shirt. I know because I could see them from all the way across the lecture hall. I don’t understand that at all. You think someone who is self conscious about making the wrong impressions would be more careful with that sort of thing if they were really bothered by it. Anyway after we stopped talking I noticed a lot of things about her. She wanted to be the center of attention at all times. She always seemed to steer a conversation her way. It seemed like she was playing a personality game. She loved to talk about anything, and she always had an opinion (yeah she’s one of those girls). Hmm so I’m pretty much done.

That’s really all I got to say on this lovely evening/morning. I made one really good friend who is a commuter. She lives with family friends and is from out of the country, and I feel like we have so many things in common. Not only that, but she also shares many of my favorite shows, movies, music, etc. 🙂 She is definitely a keeper!

~Timafa~

Even if you feel like giving up, don’t. There are too many choices to keep living.

It’s Good To Be Back

Yes, I do realize that I lost this challenge T_T, but I still want to finish it. The truth of why I stopped blogging is because I kind of bored myself, and I didn’t really want to take out some frustrating school things on others “my blog and it’s subscribers/readers”. I told myself everyday that I would try to blog, but I just never really felt like I needed to. I’ve been really behind in school, and it is really hard for me to keep up with all the homework and this blog, especially since it is really time consuming. Having 4 Ap classes, one honors class, tennis, and band is really truly exhausting. This year is by far the most tiring. I did bring it on myself, but I just thought that I would still have some me time. I obviously thought really wrong. That however does not mean that I will stop blogging I just need a little more time to do other things, so don’t be offended or too dissapointed if I don’t update. That’s all I really have to say for myself.

Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.

Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Most of the music I listen to is Rock and Pop because it makes me calm down and relax 🙂
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
I guess the only thing I can really say is Criminal Minds and The Mentalist
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
My planner! Know that I have found it I make sure to take it everywhere with me.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
NON-EXISTENT If it was anyone though it would have to be Taylor Lautner (:
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.

Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Stupid Stupid JUNK FOOD!! D:
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.

Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
It was a nickname that evolved into most of my online accounts names. I actually took a like to it, and now I can’t stop using it.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.

Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Dear Friend,
I know that you don’t mean to get angry or mad so easily, but sometimes your anger makes me want to never talk to you again. I don’t mean to sound rude or offending, but I do not appreciate when people start screaming at me. Anger to me is something that forms when someone offends you or makes you feel aggravated, but it’s not supposed to be unleashed at someone that is simply trying to help. When you get angry you don’t want to listen to what others around you have to say. Your attitude reminds me of a child throwing a tantrum at the supermarket because his/her parents tell him “No”. I’m not trying to make you feel bad in any way, but if we are to continue to be friends I hope you can fix this flaw because I am sure it will be the end of our friendship. The reason I think that is because one day when you start screaming and complaining, I am not going to be quiet, and I am not going to be compashionate; I am simply going to slap you across the face. This is how you will know that I am just tired of hearing things that unmotivate me, and about those silly little problems that you consider to be so extreme especially when I know that you do not take the time to listen to what others have to say. You get mad about the silliest little things, for example when I move your stuff you sometimes go to the extremes of yelling at me because I “touched” your stuff, yet you find it fine to kick my items just because they are in your way. It’s like you think your stuff is beyond “touching” or even staring at. I don’t give a shit if you have expensive things or things from a secondhand store, what I do care about is you taking into consideration my feelings.

Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

~Timafa~
When you do your best everyday things will become easier because with a positive attitude anything can be accomplished.