Sometimes It’s Best To Just Let Go

Wasn’t yesterday wonderful? I snuck out my window to watch the eclipse. To me, it was totally worth it. It was a marvelous and breathtaking sight. Anyway, a while back I had written something for my friend, and I still haven’t shown it to her because to me it seems incomplete…Her boyfriend and her broke up, and I wanted to cheer her up, but even now I don’t want to show it to her because I don’t like the way it “sounds”.

Heartbreak

So much love existed between us.
My love for you remains. 
I can’t understand why you’re inclined to hurt me. 
Why would you want to break me down?
 

Can’t you see how much I love you?
You’re egotistical comments berate me. 
Tears, Pain, and heartache.
Promises that were exchanged…

You said you would never hurt me…
You pleaded that you were different.
Now I see that you’re just the same.

Those sweet words you whispered to me
Were lies and torments.
You say we can be together…
You say we can see each other once more.

‘Maybe if we are to see each other again things will change.
Don’t wait for me…you can’t just sit there and let your life pass you by.’
All this “sweetness” makes me cringe. 
If you still harbor something for me…
Why would you make my heart break…?

That’s it I know somethings missing, but I just can’t pinpoint what I need to do to make it better. If someone has any ideas it would be greatly appreciated! 

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Finally a break from school! Can’t say it’s a “real” break though because I am going to use these two weeks to catch up on homework. It kind of sucks, but I have no one to blame but myself. It was me who left things until the last minute, me who didn’t pay attention, and me who decided to be a procrastinator. All in all hopefully all these things will get done! 

I’m bored now, so here is a spur of the moment poem.

Escape

Harbored feelings cultivate my mind.
Round and Round they fight to get out.
‘You deserve it’, they say.
‘You don’t belong in this world.’

I can’t comprehend.
As hard as I try,
I can’t see clearly any longer.  
It wasn’t your fault…it wasn’t my fault…

Then, how come I can’t control these urges,
These nights of  torturous running.
My reflection haunts me.
It won’t let me be.

I can’t look like that in reality…can I?
With roles of fat running down my stomach.
My greasy face staring back at me with small beady eyes.
How is possible to look so hideous?

No matter how hard I try
I remain the same.
It’s not enough…I’m not trying hard enough.
There has to be a way to end it all.

Emotional, disastrous, pain…
How can I make it disappear?
Slowly, carefully, my feet thump towards the kitchen. 
Searching for a way to end it all…

I ease my grotesque body to the drawer. 
Grabbing blindly I grasp what I’m looking for.
I lift it up, and as I do so, I ease my sleeve up.
There’s no other way to end the pain than to cause pain myself.  

Slowly, slowly I grasp the hilt of the kitchen knife,
And I make the first cut deep in my skin.
Relief floods through my body, as I shiver.
Rivulets of blood ease their way down my skin.

Staring in wonder I watch them make their way to my finger.
My blood is blazing.
Filled with such intense emotions.
The clearness, the immense pain is enough to cloud it all.

There’s no one but the pain and me.
Just  the way I want it to be. 
I wish things were different,
But this is enough to make me who I want to be.

I haven’t reached that goal yet,
But I’m sure I will someday.
I know one day I will be able to let that knife graze my veins,
And once I can I will be free from the insidious pain.

I need more smoothness in my writing I jump too much from one thing to another. Oh well, I can work on it some other day. I wanted to share another poem that I wrote a while back. I’m not sure if I posted it up before, but here it is again just in case you didn’t have the chance to read it 😉 

Sharing The Blood-Red Rain

Through the rain and spring I see you through and through
Little droplets splatter on the floor
Plit-Plat-Plit

They go and go and go
I just can’t help, but run around in circles. 
The sky grumbles as it turns a deep shade of grey, 
But for me there are no worries.

You stand there and watch me go on with my insanity.
‘There is nothing as beatiful as you’, you whisper sweetly.
I can’t help myself, I laugh.
I run up to you and kiss your cheek.
Getting your white, white shirt wet. 

Laghing in the rain,
Running in circles,
Is the best, but when your there…
It’s much better. 

I grab your hand and drag you around.
Laughing, jumping, screaming with glee. 
There’s nothing better than sharing the rain with you.
Two souls lost within the darkness…

A bright light is coming towards us…
NNNNOOOO!! I scream.
The danger creeps closer, yet I can’t move.
Your body tenses beside mine. 
‘Move, Move!’ My mind screams!!!!

Screeching tires, lovely tears, streams of blood…
My head hurts,I can’t move!
I can’t see you!
Where are you love?

I am floating, flying…
What happened, love?
Where am I?
The rain, the light,  the screeching tires…

Am I…dead?
Is that why I can’t feel anything?
I pushed you away…I took the hit…
As long as your safe I can win.

(Guy POV)
‘She’s in critical condition! We’re losing her!!
She lost a lot of blood’
Oh, God…blood everywhere…

The car hit you, hard.
You flew, you screamed, you fell…
SPLAGH
The blood…the blood won’t stop flowing!!

Make it stop!
She’s dying, she can’t pull through…
No! You can’t stop fighting.
You have to keep trying.

(Girl POV)
I look down and see my battered body.
The once white dress is bathed in red.
I feel distressed as I see that there is no way.
Why love, why did this happen?

I scan the room, and I find you.
You look broken, torn.
I want to go to you,
But I can’t…I can’t do anything anymore.

I hear you say something.
I creep closer…
‘I love you, please keep fighting. Don’t give up.
Don’t leave me, please!’

I..love you too…
I’ll fight for you. 
I won’t give up.

‘Get her to stop bleeding!Is she stable, yet?’
‘Yes, her heart rate is stable.’
‘Good, will she make it?’
‘I am not sure.’ 

I hear them, I feel pain.
‘Doctor, she’s waking up!’
I feel probing, I squirm.
I slowly open my eyes…

I whisper your name,
I feel your hand in mine.
I try to find you, I’m frantic.
‘Please, don’t move, calm…calm he’s right next to you.’
‘I love you’ I cough out, then the darkness takes me.

(Boy POV)
I heard the words that escaped your pale lips. 
My heart fluttered, and then I felt your hand go limp. 
My head snapped to the heart monitor. 
Your heart was still beating…

‘She’s fine. She just needs rest.’
I let myself smile for the first time in 3 days.
I could never live without you.

(Girl POV)
My eyes open, and I feel myself flinch from the light.
I let my eyes adjust, before I spot you on the couch.
I smile at your peaceful face.
I look down at myself, and realize how much trouble I’ve caused.

‘Hey you.’ you whisper.
‘Hey you.’ I answer. 

[After Girl get’s released from the hospital]

Spring rain is the best!
I let my feet drag me to the tree. 
I let my laughter echo in the night.
You kneel down…

(Boy POV)
‘Will you marry me, love?’
I see your face break into a wondorous smile. 
You run towards me and scream in my ear.
‘YYYYEEEESSSS!!!’

Swinging you around in the rain.
I stand, and I can’t help but notice something in the distance.
There two battered bodies lay. 
Hands around each other with bloody faces.

Tire tracks by them…
Legs sprawled out…
Lying their in the pouring rain…
Her white dress and his white shirt,
Stained with Blood-red-rain.

And finally some pictures I found that I liked! 😀

To Say Everything Is Going Great Would Be An Understatement

Diet is going good! 🙂 It’s empowering and invigorating…even if I don’t get to eat what I want. It is hard…I am not saying it has been super easy or anything like that, but it feels nice to restrict myself (especially with what my mom has been making). I have a hard time smelling those wonderful odors coming from the kitchen and then saying no to them. 

So my whole family is Catholic (except maybe me). They aren’t to strict, but my belief has definitely dwindled from when I was young. I am to the point were I don’t believe anymore. I don’t see it as a bad thing, but I am sure if I were to tell my parents and family about my belief being gone I would probably not be off so well. Anyhow, why am I talking about religion? Well Christmas is coming up and my mom is having a novena to the Virgin Mary, and my whole family has been coming to my house everyday to pray. (This started Friday btw.) I feel uncomfortable being in the room, and I know I can’t say anything because I will go through hell once they find out. I am honestly scared to say anything because I’m sure I will hear this long lecture. It’s just so troublesome! I’m not trying to not think about this though because it just makes me life all the more stressful. I guess I can just hope that they will accept me later on…

I need motivation so I’m posting a thinspo 🙂 I feel like I can definitely finish this diet this time around!

~Timafa~

Things steadily grow and grow until they get out of control.

Deep Blue Thoughts and Hot Chocolate

Today was a nice non-worry filled day. I did my homework and things went smoothly. Who knew that actually doing the homework would be such a peaceful experience? Apparently I am that kind of student. The ones who don’t do anything that they know they can get away with. Plus our new district grading policy stinks. Only big grades count like tests, quizzes, and major projects. There is no daily grades at all. Another issue that is causing students to procrastinate is that they are allowed to turn anything in and remidiate the big grades until they get something acceptable. In my opinion this is just encouraging students to leave things off until the very end. I know that I am waiting out on things as well. It’s super ineffective and it has definitely hurt my GPA. If you don’t do the homework that is assigned you just get further behind in every class. It’s complete and utter crap. I honestly can’t understand why anyone would think this grading policy would get us college/university ready. All it is doing is hurting every single one of the students, and it is telling them that they can have second chances in college which is obviously not true. Alumni are learning bad habits that are going to hurt them in their adult life. 

:O Well I’m bad at sticking with things, but I think I have gotten to the point were it is really super duper ridiculous. I just can’t seem to control my actions sometimes. It gets pretty frustrating and nerve-wracking. I honestly am so excited for the new Harry Potter movie. I hope it’s not disappointing because I’m going to go to the midnight showing with a couple of my friends, and we are probably going to be pretty dead on friday (we have school).  I really want it to be amazing because I am watching it with my sleep time on the clock. 

On another note I took one of dad’s beers yesterday. I honestly don’t know why I took it. I don’t know why I drank it either, but I don’t think that I’ll be doing that again any time soon. Super disappointed in myself.

~Timafa~

Mastery is not the only part of success. There are many other factors involving self-fulfillment and involvement. 

I feel like

I feel like crying, bawling, shouting…I don’t know how it happened, but reminiscent memories are running through my head. My feelings are all clogged up, and I don’t know what to do. Do I dare hurt? Thunder…is coming down near my house rattling windows making my house shake. I’m not scared, I’m not afraid…I’m just happy it’s going on because right now I know it’s probably the only thing out there that understands me. It hurts others, It scares, It rumbles. In so many ways we are alike, and then there are the coexisting differences. Sometimes I just feel like running, running as fast I can away from this misery, away from the pain, the distrust, the malignant looks. 

The cool air of the developing raindrops doesn’t exert me. Just the thought of running outside freely invigorates me, it fills me with the never ending presence of energy. Run Run Run…I just want to ESCAPE from the abominable darkness that surrounds me. Things should change, things should get better…I always tell myself that, but I know that the chances of them happening are minuscule. Lying to myself is getting tiring, telling myself I’ll do something is getting old, it’s time to take action instead of using useless pathetic words. It’s time for things to change once and for all.

~Timafa~
Telling yourself you’ll do something is only the first part of change. 

 

Train-Hey Soul Sister (Story Continued)

Day 8 – A song to match your mood
This song just makes me want to smile all day 🙂 I love how upbeat it is, and yeah it’s late but I feel so happy! I stayed within my cal limits, and I did some homework! To me that is a huge accomplishment considering I haven’t been doing anything at all. It also rained today during marching band practice, and I love the rain!!! It makes me want to run around and just be bubbly and free. I sound like such a little kid right now, but sometimes that’s just the way I act (I miss being a kid with a whole bunch of free “me” time). Today was a good day I did amazing in tennis *giggles like a dumbutt*, and I was productive. It was a fun and hardworking amazingly tiring day.

Thinspo and Rain 🙂

 Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Story Continues

Slowly but surely the blade eases in my skin. As it slides deeper and deeper my mind fills with ecstasy. I can’t stop myself from doing it over and over again. Small driplets of blood cascade down my hand towards the pearl white floor. The red blood tainting the pure white innocence. I stare, transfixed at the sight that causes me to lose my mind. My vision starts to blur, my head is whirling and twirling…realizing I’ve gone to far I wait for my eternal rest. 

I’m still here wandering…there’s nowhere to go. I don’t see a light to walk towards to, I don’t feel the horrendous heat that ignites my bones, I don’t feel pain…My thoughts are roaming free, and all I can do is listen. I can’t hold anything, my body is gone…there is nothing of me left, but my mind and soul that are being tormented by my thoughts. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away.

These feelings! I can’t handle them. It doesn’t matter whether I live or die I just want them to stop. Make them stop! Where am I? Why can’t you make it go away? Why do I have to be tormented by these wretched thoughts? Is this my punishment…?

Consciousness. My body…I can feel it. I try to pry my eyes open, but they are heavier than I remember. I try to reach my hand to my face, only to be stopped by some sort of plastic cuffs surrounding my hands. I let myself stop struggling, and the dark overwhelms me once more.

I open my eyes, they feel more like eyes now and not like some type of heavy machinery. Once open, I see various tubes going in my body, each of them pumping into me. The needles that prick my skin are uncomfortable. Why is it bothering me so much? I love pain…don’t I…? The door bursts open and I see my parents rush in. My mother runs to embrace me and her tears fall over my pastel pink gown. She slowly pets my hair, her eyes holding such deep pain that I just can’t seem to stop staring at the hollowness. I couldn’t have been the cause of that…right? I don’t matter to them I shouldn’t be an effect on them…I slowly begin to realize that they have always cared whether they showed they did or not.

Weeks…months….years, pass me by. I still cut myself, although it’s not as often as it used to be. I can’t let go of all my pain by cutting I understand that, but I just can’t keep it bottled up either. The only way that I know how to get rid of it is by seizuring my skin, and that’s not likely to change. I don’t do it in noticeable places, I don’t do it as often because I know my family would be disgusted, but I can still cut myself once or twice to just let myself be enveloped by that sweet sweet joy. It’s selfish really, but there is not other way…at least not for me.

~Timafa~
Going through life we realize that we can never please everyone.

Untitled

Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
My dream wedding I’ve never really thought about this too much. To be honest I have actually thought about the kind of person I want to end up with. 🙂 I guess I can give you a short briefing on what my dream wedding will be. I want it to be on the beach in California (I haven’t decided the exact location…yet). I want the ceremony to happen when the sun is setting and I want the waves to be crashing on shore. I want it to be beautiful, and I want my closest friends and my family to be there. I want my husband to be sweet and understanding ;). I want to wear a nice white, fluffy, long, graceful wedding gown. My dream wedding is actually quite simple. I never really liked “extreme” things. I am a kind of simplistic girl.

To be honest today was one of the worst Monday’s ever! It was probably due to the fact that I slept too late, and that I didn’t do much of the work I needed to do. I really wanted to blog last night, but that so didn’t happen. T_T When I got home from school today I ate, and then I just completely crashed on my bedroom floor. (My bed is at our new house D: cause we are moving in this week!) It was a long and nice, relaxing nap. I wished it was longer, but my mother woke me up. It’s a good thing she did cause I still needed to do/catch up on some homework for school. I feel like the days are getting longer and more exhausting…it’s definitely not a wonderful thing in my book.

Alas I have to leave because today I start running again 🙂 YIPPEE! No more laying on my butt, expecting to shed those unwanted pounds. Hahaha I do feel like running cause believe it or not it made me feel less tired sometimes. It took away my soreness and fragility. Running makes me feel free. It makes me feel like I can accomplish anything, and if I close my eyes and feel the wind that rushes to meet me it almost feels like I can fly…fly away and never come back…

I feel like crying ): not in the I am depressed sense, but in the I want to read/watch something sad cause I’m just in that type of mood. It’s hard to explain, but today is one of those days were I feel kind of sad (for no good reason)…I just feel like I want to cry. I think it’s a good thing considering how some days I feel like punching a wall repeatedly. 🙂 Here are some inspiration pictures to shedding those pounds, and to be free.

 

 

 

 

Day 8 – A song to match your mood.
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

~Timafa~

Sometimes loving yourself isn’t enough anymore.