Monster Inside Me

I’m happy.
I’m happy.
Keep Smiling.
Keep Laughing.

Hold it in.
Never let go.
They’ll destroy you.
They’ll accuse you.

You’ll be alone.
You’ll be alone.
No one will like you.
No one will care.

Desolation Destruction Devastation
You’re Ugly.
You’re Grotesque.
You’re Revolting.

Who could ever love you?
Who could ever stand the sight?
Demented Deranged Despicable
no No NO

Be content.
Be good.
Breathe.
Control yourself.

No one will know.
No one will know.
No one will find out…
Just contain the monster inside.

~Timafa12~
This was more of a spur of the moment thing. I didn’t want to edit my earlier post because this is like a completely different topic…a little disturbing if I am being honest with myself.

You’ll Never Know

The pain is tearing at my soul.
Bringing my very being to a million shattered pieces.
You’ll never know how much I cared…
How much I loved
How much I wished I could just let you know.

My terrible decisions made me different.
They made better for the worst.
How could such a pure being be affected by such a tainted soul?
DarkInsaneMorbidTwisted
Alone…

I tried to be good.
I tried to be different.
I tried to be a savior.
I tried to be someone I am not…for you.

It would never last.
Never Last Never Last Never Last
My darkness webbed out, spread out
It covered every fiber of me
And turned me into cowering poisonous monster

How could I even bare to taint something so angelic?
So purely innocent and free.
I’ll Just Go Just Go Just Go
You’ll Never Know Never Know Never Know

The least I could do is set you free.
No one deserves to be with such a being as me.
DarkInsaneMorbidTwisted
Alone…
That’s how I was meant to be.
That’s how I was meant to stay.
Alone…

Gone

Despair Despair Despair
The darkness is part of me.
It consumes me.
I’m one with it.

DarkDarkDark
I refuse to forget it.
Refuse to acknowledge it.
Refuse to obstruct it.

Pain Pain Pain
I’ve dealt with worse.
Losing more is nothing.
There is just no more I can care about.

EmptyEmptyEmpty
My soul is gone.
Every feeling dissipated.
Every moment cleared.

Freedom Freedom Freedom
I want my own thoughts to be real.
My own free will.
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!

InvadersInvadersInvaders
Obstruction
Destrution
Absolution

 

Sometimes The Pain Is Too Great

Pain

My chest is aching and breaking.
There is no need to try and fix it.
It will forever remain the same.

There was no specific being who broke it.
Not one, not two, but many more. 
Yet there is no reason for blame.

No one was as harsh as I was. 
Nobody ever looked down enough on me to see through. 
I was just an obnoxious sweet girl. 
Nothing more and nothing less…

That’s all there is to it. 
I am my own worst enemy,
My own worst nightmare…
Everything I am and do is hateful.

I listen, I care, and I try so hard sometimes.
But that’s not enough, at least not anymore. 
Not enough, Not enough,
I know it isn’t fair, 
But I just want those things as well. 

The kisses,
The laughs, 
The unity,
And the companionship. 

I just want to leave…
far, far away with you 
Never look back, 
And dream. 

~Timafa~
I wish things were as simple as they used to be, but I know it won’t ever be that way again.  

Something Just Broke…

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Something inside me crumbled this morning. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, it was just something meaningless, that seemed to make my heart stop beating. What can you say caused it? It was something so minuscule, so condescending, so preposterous that even I can not believe it. What brought my resolve down? Well, l don’t exactly want to say what it was because honestly it’s embarrassing to get upset over such a petty thing. I’ll keep that reason to myself, at least for now. My resolve crumbled and I felt like bursting in tears for a while, but then I just seemed to get over it. All I can say is that I have wonderful, amazing, cheerful friends, and I am sure that some/none of them had any idea that I was upset, but I’m glad that they can make my mood brighten. I’m a very reclusive kind of girl, and I won’t let anything out that I don’t want anyone to see. Sure, sometimes, things slip out, but that’s bound to happen. 

The only thing that I can do to make that small thing invisible is to change. I assure myself that change can’t be as bad as it seems. It can’t be as awful and as devastating as it seems…can it? I guess it can only be as horrible as the changes I’ll make. 🙂 I’ve been denying change for far too long. School has got me beaten I honestly can’t wait until Friday because the new Harry Potter will be out! I’m definitely going to try to make it to the midnight showing. Also this is also the last week before Thanksgiving Break and it’s awesome!! I can’t wait to be homework free for like a week…of course I will probably be catching up on my notes and stuff for classes.

~Timafa~

The sky opens up to reveal the nightly wonders.

Train-Hey Soul Sister (Story Continued)

Day 8 – A song to match your mood
This song just makes me want to smile all day 🙂 I love how upbeat it is, and yeah it’s late but I feel so happy! I stayed within my cal limits, and I did some homework! To me that is a huge accomplishment considering I haven’t been doing anything at all. It also rained today during marching band practice, and I love the rain!!! It makes me want to run around and just be bubbly and free. I sound like such a little kid right now, but sometimes that’s just the way I act (I miss being a kid with a whole bunch of free “me” time). Today was a good day I did amazing in tennis *giggles like a dumbutt*, and I was productive. It was a fun and hardworking amazingly tiring day.

Thinspo and Rain 🙂

 Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of yourself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days

Story Continues

Slowly but surely the blade eases in my skin. As it slides deeper and deeper my mind fills with ecstasy. I can’t stop myself from doing it over and over again. Small driplets of blood cascade down my hand towards the pearl white floor. The red blood tainting the pure white innocence. I stare, transfixed at the sight that causes me to lose my mind. My vision starts to blur, my head is whirling and twirling…realizing I’ve gone to far I wait for my eternal rest. 

I’m still here wandering…there’s nowhere to go. I don’t see a light to walk towards to, I don’t feel the horrendous heat that ignites my bones, I don’t feel pain…My thoughts are roaming free, and all I can do is listen. I can’t hold anything, my body is gone…there is nothing of me left, but my mind and soul that are being tormented by my thoughts. I wish there was something I could do to make it go away.

These feelings! I can’t handle them. It doesn’t matter whether I live or die I just want them to stop. Make them stop! Where am I? Why can’t you make it go away? Why do I have to be tormented by these wretched thoughts? Is this my punishment…?

Consciousness. My body…I can feel it. I try to pry my eyes open, but they are heavier than I remember. I try to reach my hand to my face, only to be stopped by some sort of plastic cuffs surrounding my hands. I let myself stop struggling, and the dark overwhelms me once more.

I open my eyes, they feel more like eyes now and not like some type of heavy machinery. Once open, I see various tubes going in my body, each of them pumping into me. The needles that prick my skin are uncomfortable. Why is it bothering me so much? I love pain…don’t I…? The door bursts open and I see my parents rush in. My mother runs to embrace me and her tears fall over my pastel pink gown. She slowly pets my hair, her eyes holding such deep pain that I just can’t seem to stop staring at the hollowness. I couldn’t have been the cause of that…right? I don’t matter to them I shouldn’t be an effect on them…I slowly begin to realize that they have always cared whether they showed they did or not.

Weeks…months….years, pass me by. I still cut myself, although it’s not as often as it used to be. I can’t let go of all my pain by cutting I understand that, but I just can’t keep it bottled up either. The only way that I know how to get rid of it is by seizuring my skin, and that’s not likely to change. I don’t do it in noticeable places, I don’t do it as often because I know my family would be disgusted, but I can still cut myself once or twice to just let myself be enveloped by that sweet sweet joy. It’s selfish really, but there is not other way…at least not for me.

~Timafa~
Going through life we realize that we can never please everyone.

Going Through Life

Pain, hurt, love, violence
Are things that happen that you never get over.
Small scars across your sensitive skin…
Caresses that are bound to not let you live.

So much hurt, and so much faith,

What is it that gives this chance for tantalizing grief…?

Walking through the endless road.

I find that I can make it home.

 

Worry, Sadness,Tears, Relief

Are things that make your parents weep.

Crumbling pages of your life,

Coming together to say goodbye.

 

Through the many paths that call you back…

You realize that it’s just not right,

To give in to the endless desires that seem to plague your mind.

No need to end your life, no need to hurt yourself further…

Is there really just too much, than to move a step forward?

 

Endurance, Friendship, Family, Belief

Through the painful years that you lived by,

You realize that there is a way to fight back,

Through the tortuous paths of life…

Your friends and family back you up.

 

All those tears were not for granted.

Those hopes and dreams you have won’t be forgotten.

Fighting back to achieve what you want,

Will be a way to end that wretched path.

 

It takes time, it takes hope,

But in the end you won’t be falling, you won’t be forgotten.

Through life you’ll find that you won’t ever be alone.

You’ll hold hands with those dear ones and you will keep fighting through those obstacles…

 

Giving up is not the answer…

Running free with the rain,

Tearing up those weighted pains,

You’ll find that living without blame or remorse is just the way…

To end those tenebrous thoughts, and move on with your life.

 

~Timafa~

A poem I wrote for this Scholarship thingy O-o….

Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you care enough to shed those tears.