Giving Up

Some days I feel like giving up. Is everything worth it? Is this really what I want to be doing with my life? I just get a little melancholic, and I feel trapped. I guess it’s a little odd for me to feel trapped because it’s not like my parents or anyone else forced me to come to college. I choose my major, and I’ve chosen what I want out of life. Still…some days I find myself wondering if all this hard work will pay off.

Am I doing enough? Should I work harder? I know I have the potential to do better, but I just can’t seem to motivate myself fully either. All these thoughts and emotions plague and overcome me. Why can’t I do better? Why can’t I try harder? It’s frustrating. It’s too much sometimes. Some days I just feel like disappearing. I just want to be gone. 

I’m not saying that I’m suicidal or anything like that, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I want a concrete break. A week is not enough. I want maybe a year to go out and do crazy shit, but I know I can’t afford to take a year off right now-not in the middle of my degree. It’s just so suffocating sometimes. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like I’m losing myself. I feel empty and devoid. It’s hard to explain…I just…I don’t know. I don’t even know what I want some days. I don’t know where I am going, and that seriously scares me. 

~Timafa12~

I don’t know what the future will bring, I don’t know where I will end up, and that is the scariest part of my life right now-the uncertainty. 

The Future

There is always the fear of moving forward. What will the future bring? How will I change? How will I evolve as a person? Will I like what I become in the future? I’m curious. Everyone changes it’s an undeniable part of life. No matter how much we try to conceal it sometimes. We are shaped by experiences and time. We are malleable, and a lot of things/events/memories shape us.

I like to look back and pinpoint events in my past that have been crucial to my development. Once in a while, I find events that haven’t changed me for the better, yet they have helped me grow. Are these mistakes in my life crucial to my development? Yes, they are. No matter how mortifying or hurtful I have been to others in the past-it is part of our life as humans. Everyone makes mistakes. It is up to us to correct those mistakes.

It is up to us to have the courage and compassion to seek for forgiveness. We as humans need to accept that there will be times when we hurt others. There will be times when we are hurt by others, but it is within our power to take action. It is up to us to change our future-to better ourselves. 

Humanity has suffered through many catastrophic events-wars, natural disasters,genocides, etc.-, yet here we remain still standing. We are unified in one way or another. We are the same species. Granted we have different dialects, looks, and opinions, but my hope is that one day we will come to be a unified world. One day, in the future, I hope that we can stand together.

~Timafa12~

“The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world’s problems.”-Mahatma Gandhi

Computer Crash

I was happily watching The Big Bang Theory when my computer decided to crash. It downloaded something that I didn’t even give permission for it to download and it went bonkers. My hard drive disappeared and all the stuff I had was basically erased. Wanna know something that totally saved my butt? I had enough smartness in me to back up all the files I had on my computer to my flash drives earlier. Like literally that is probably a pretty lucky break? Is it not? The bad thing is that I can hardly do anything on this computer now, and it’s not even mine it’s the schools. At our high school we rent computers…Okay so after rebutting everything seems to be working well except for the fact that this program that I supposedly “installed” refuses to uninstall. I honestly don’t want to take this to the tech because well it’s working fine for now…I’ll try to live with it for now. I honesty have no clue what just happened, but I’m glad that it’s back to normal I guess. Oh well it went back to being douchy…not working anymore. On to my true blog entry…

Do you remember those days when you were free to do as you liked? When you lived without a care in the world? Looking back you remember all those childhood memories. The days you spent out in the daylight playing in the swings, and those days when the rain obscured your chances of kicking around the soccer ball. Looking back do you remember all that has changed? How you grew, matured, and fell. Many things have changed in your eyes your views, your points, and your friends. You have changed and you have learned from the mistakes you made. Do you miss that innocence? That childhood freedom to do as you please?

Sometimes things seemed to be so wrong, but yet you managed to pull on through. You fought against all those odds that pulled you back. Do you feel like you have succeeded? Do you feel like all that hard work was worth all that pain and relief?

~Timafa~

All those late nights were worth every second of my time.