Long Month

There has been so much stuff going on this month, and now it’s almost over. Which means that finals week is approaching now too. I’m excited to go home. I miss my family and my friend. My dad just had surgery, and I’m sad that I wasn’t able to be there. Everything went well, but I wish I had been able to be there. 

I’ve packed most of my college stuff now. My dorm room is really deconstructed now. It’s sad, but I’m anxious to be home. I’m going to be busy this summer. There is so much stuff that I need to do in order to graduate on time. 

I am excited for next year though because I’m going to be living with my friend. It should be a good time. We have both complained a lot about our roommates, and now we are finally going to try to live together. I hope everything will go well. 

I’m anxious about traveling. It used to be exciting, and now I just want to get it over with. It’s just a waste of a day. I wish there was a simpler way to travel. I hope I don’t miss my flights, and I hope they don’t get delayed because I just want to be home on time. 

I really don’t feel like studying at all for finals, but I should. It’s just a drag. I wish there was a simpler way to be done with school. 

I’m Weird

I’m a weird person. I have weird insecurities and habits, but it’s okay because I’ve been living with my complications all my life. I’m generally a really shy person. I don’t like to talk to people or join in on discussions because I’ve had bad experiences, but I’ve been thinking a lot about these insecurities lately.

Why is it so hard to put myself out there? I know that I shouldn’t care what others think, but it’s a very hard concept to master. When I was thinking about this earlier today I found a loophole. No matter what I do to embarrass myself I know my real friends and my family will always love me.

I guess it’s a weird loophole, but I’ve never really thought of it that way. Haha so maybe I’ll start to take more risks, and I should really start to voice my opinions and ideas out there because maybe they will be helpful to others.

~Timafa12~
No matter what happens I’ll always get back up-whether your hand is there to help me up or not.

Would you…?

There was a memorial service at school today. My lab partner’s brother died of cancer. The problem is I have only seen her twice, and I barely even know her. I didn’t even find out about her brother dying from her. I found out about her brother’s death through my friend from college, who is friends with my lab partner (they were in the crew team together). I don’t know. My friend was trying to convince me to go because she said she was sure my lab partner would appreciate the concern/support, but at the end I chickened out. Why? Because I didn’t know this person, or the family. I don’t know how I would feel if pretty much a complete stranger showed up to a memorial service for my family member. How would you feel?

My grandma passed away this past summer, and I didn’t even get to go to the memorial service or the burial. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that I couldn’t go to my own family member’s memorial service that freaked me out the most because I was about to attend a memorial service for a stranger (and I couldn’t even attend my own family member’s service). Was it selfish? I think it was, but under the circumstances I feel like it was the right thing to do. I don’t know my lab partner well enough, and I don’t want her to freak out and think that I’m pitying or stalking her personal life. If she wants to tell me about stuff like that, then she should be the one to do it. I shouldn’t show up to something so important to the family as a complete stranger.

Would you appreciate anyone showing up to one of your family member’s memorial service? Or would you rather it be people that were close and actually knew your family member? Where would you cross the line?

~Timafa~

Every decision you make is yours to make, whether it’s right or wrong in another persons mind.

I’ve Been Meaning To Update

I’ve abandoned many things, and I have regretted letting them go. I make excuses. I tell myself that I don’t have time for such nonsense, yet here I am just doing it all over again. It’s quite preposterous to think that I just can’t stay away because it shouldn’t be that hard. It should be easy to stop myself from writing about bullshit that bothers me. I can tell myself that I don’t care. I can tell myself that I’m being a stupid, idiotic, senseless girl, but I can’t stop. Writing nonsense makes me feel better.

I’ve struggled with my priorities. It seems that I just can’t stop being lazy, and that has put a dent in my first semester of college. I know that I shouldn’t to be worried about it…at least not yet, but I can’t help but feel that I am failing my family. I’ve definitely struggled in college-in both the academic and social complexities that make up a college experience.

I’ve been lazy, and I’ve realized that I really hate people that spend their time gossiping-not that I liked them…I just didn’t notice them before. I mean imagine sharing a room with a gossip queen. Now that’s what I call extremely bad luck. Not only that, but people at my college love to party and drink…except that the parties at my college are pointless and stupid. I bothered with two parties last semester, and both of them were beyond lame. I didn’t even stay past midnight. That is how bad they were.

Maybe it’s also the fact that I am a city girl, and now I am living in a place where there are no shops that are worth spending time in. Yes, that sounds extremely bad, but I grew up near a mall. I grew up used to spending time in various stores-visiting them for hours a day, and now I am stuck in a small town that doesn’t offer anything to me. It’s like a complete ghost town. Not to mention that I practically moved from Texas to New York. Don’t get me wrong, I really truly love and appreciate both places. It’s just the people I have to interact in college with are pretty detestable. Of course there are a select few who are very much worth the time and effort.

Well, I’ve been strongly considering getting a transfer. I honestly don’t know if I will go through with it because it seems the school I applied to won’t give me as much aid as I had assumed. Well whatever happens happens. I hope things get better. I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. I will soon be flying back to college. I hope this spring semester is much better than my fall semester. 

Another thing that has been plaguing me lately has been my weight problem. I’ve been overweight for a while. I’ve been through some very angry and hurtful thoughts, and I’ve always tried to cope with them. Lately, it seems that even my mother has turned against me in this. Every time I eat something, she is there to reprimand me for my idiocy. She has been calling me fat, and lazy. She has been getting on to me about my weight, and I am honestly tired of it. I can’t help that I am a fat pig mother. Maybe if you tried to understand me more, then I wouldn’t be in this situation. What can I do to make you proud? It’s just been so hard these couple of months, and I expected my mom to let the weight issue drop. When I came home from college the first thing she said was that I looked fat. She even brought up the subject when my whole family came to visit. I’m so ashamed. I’m so lost on this issue. I’ve seriously tried so many times to lose weight, and when I talk to her about it it’s never enough. It’s like she wants me to stop eating. I’ve been feeling so conflicted on the subject, and I’m tired of it. I know that it’s very “cliche” to say that my new year’s resolution is to lose weight, but I will do it this time! I won’t stop until I am an average weight. I am going to do this the healthy way, and I won’t give up because I need to do this not only for myself but for my family.

~TIMAFA~

No matter what you’ve been through, there is always someone that has been through something worse. They didn’t give up. They fought the odds.

Waking Up to A New World

First day of school was today. The beginning of my Junior year in High School. It was the most tiring day that I have had in quite a while. Anyway leaving things behind takes courage, reuniting things takes guts, and let’s say that today I did the later. I am not quite sure if it was worth it, but I know I did the right thing. If I hadn’t tried then I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. Sometimes taking that chance can give you all the happiness in the world, and sometimes you wish you hadn’t done it…I know for a fact that expressing one’s feelings is not an easy thing to do, but sometimes when you do it it’s like another part of yourself opens and you let yourself be free.

So bleh bleh bleh, school was fine/great/tiring. My life takes another turn to my future, so what? What’s so important about it anyway…? The truth of it is that it’s a great part of my life whether I like it or not. Whether I take it seriously or just do enough to get me through. I don’t think that I will ever belittle education because it was something that my parents never got a chance to try. They went to elementary and then they were taken out because they needed to help provide for their family’s (as in they were put to work). Even though my parents didn’t get the education, they deserved it. They want my brother and I to have the best possible life, and if I can’t achieve that for them then what kind of daughter am I? Failure is not an option here!

My dad is probably one of the smartest peoples I know, and it’s not just because he’s my dad. He pays attention to everything around him, and even by just looking at something once he can memorize the process and replicate the work. (I’m not joking!) He knows how to do plumbing, roofing (although he doesn’t really like high places) he knows how to fix cars, he knows how to do air conditioning (he installed the ac system in our house by himself), he knows how to do pool stuff, windows, electricity things…He’s fixed so many things in his lifetime, and I honestly can say that I would rather not have any other dad in the whole world. 

My mother on the other hand is so caring. Even though, sometimes I get tired of her repeating things over and over I know she only does it to makes us understand. After all, repeating things get’s them stuck in your mind. She gets on me when I do something wrong only because she cares enough to tell me the truth. I can tell my mother anything, and she can make it all better just by being there and listening to my endless chatter. I can be annoying and sometimes I don’t tend to listen very well, but I know that sometime I will understand her side of things. 

My family is an essential part of my life without them I would be nothing…non-existent. I am proud to have such great parents, and I am glad that they listen and understand my problems without a doubt in their mind. They think about others too, and isn’t that an important part of life?…to learn to think about what others feel, and what they go through. They showed me to try to understand what is truly important, and not the materialistic part of life…but the love and kindness that is in everyones hearts.

~Timafa~

One day your parents will be gone, and by then you will have realized that everything they said and did was right.

P.S. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa Batman Batman (don’t even know if that’s the right amount of Na’s).