I’ve Been Meaning To Update

I’ve abandoned many things, and I have regretted letting them go. I make excuses. I tell myself that I don’t have time for such nonsense, yet here I am just doing it all over again. It’s quite preposterous to think that I just can’t stay away because it shouldn’t be that hard. It should be easy to stop myself from writing about bullshit that bothers me. I can tell myself that I don’t care. I can tell myself that I’m being a stupid, idiotic, senseless girl, but I can’t stop. Writing nonsense makes me feel better.

I’ve struggled with my priorities. It seems that I just can’t stop being lazy, and that has put a dent in my first semester of college. I know that I shouldn’t to be worried about it…at least not yet, but I can’t help but feel that I am failing my family. I’ve definitely struggled in college-in both the academic and social complexities that make up a college experience.

I’ve been lazy, and I’ve realized that I really hate people that spend their time gossiping-not that I liked them…I just didn’t notice them before. I mean imagine sharing a room with a gossip queen. Now that’s what I call extremely bad luck. Not only that, but people at my college love to party and drink…except that the parties at my college are pointless and stupid. I bothered with two parties last semester, and both of them were beyond lame. I didn’t even stay past midnight. That is how bad they were.

Maybe it’s also the fact that I am a city girl, and now I am living in a place where there are no shops that are worth spending time in. Yes, that sounds extremely bad, but I grew up near a mall. I grew up used to spending time in various stores-visiting them for hours a day, and now I am stuck in a small town that doesn’t offer anything to me. It’s like a complete ghost town. Not to mention that I practically moved from Texas to New York. Don’t get me wrong, I really truly love and appreciate both places. It’s just the people I have to interact in college with are pretty detestable. Of course there are a select few who are very much worth the time and effort.

Well, I’ve been strongly considering getting a transfer. I honestly don’t know if I will go through with it because it seems the school I applied to won’t give me as much aid as I had assumed. Well whatever happens happens. I hope things get better. I hope everyone enjoyed their holidays. I will soon be flying back to college. I hope this spring semester is much better than my fall semester. 

Another thing that has been plaguing me lately has been my weight problem. I’ve been overweight for a while. I’ve been through some very angry and hurtful thoughts, and I’ve always tried to cope with them. Lately, it seems that even my mother has turned against me in this. Every time I eat something, she is there to reprimand me for my idiocy. She has been calling me fat, and lazy. She has been getting on to me about my weight, and I am honestly tired of it. I can’t help that I am a fat pig mother. Maybe if you tried to understand me more, then I wouldn’t be in this situation. What can I do to make you proud? It’s just been so hard these couple of months, and I expected my mom to let the weight issue drop. When I came home from college the first thing she said was that I looked fat. She even brought up the subject when my whole family came to visit. I’m so ashamed. I’m so lost on this issue. I’ve seriously tried so many times to lose weight, and when I talk to her about it it’s never enough. It’s like she wants me to stop eating. I’ve been feeling so conflicted on the subject, and I’m tired of it. I know that it’s very “cliche” to say that my new year’s resolution is to lose weight, but I will do it this time! I won’t stop until I am an average weight. I am going to do this the healthy way, and I won’t give up because I need to do this not only for myself but for my family.

~TIMAFA~

No matter what you’ve been through, there is always someone that has been through something worse. They didn’t give up. They fought the odds.

I Abhor Being Sick

So last night I got no sleep. Well, maybe I got like thirty to forty minutes of it. My mom woke me up for school, and when I got up I had the worst stomach ache ever. I showered, and once I got out I was imitating myself…it was really weird I kept on talking to myself, and I kept saying the strangest things. That freaked me the hell out! My mother knocked on my door and asked if I felt healthy enough to go to school. I just kind of stood there and then she decided that I wouldn’t go. 

So I slept most of the day, and my tummy ache kind of slowly dissipated. Then I decided to make something to eat. My mom had left me oatmeal, tacos, and this instant ramen thing. I ate the oatmeal first, then I tried to scarf down the tacos which proved incompetent because staring at them made me feel sick I ended up spitting out most of them, and then I had my ramen because I’m a fatty and I obviously can’t stop scarfing myself, and now I’m just sitting here with my stomach feeling bloated and gross. I need to go run for a couple of hours, and I have a feeling that I went past my calories for today. It makes really sad, and now the only way I would feel better is when I burn them all out. Of course that doesn’t stop the disgust. First day of the ABC diet is not going well. 

 
 

Oblivion
I see myself standing on a godforsaken hole.
There is no escape,
No remedy,
No hope.

I feel the disgust wash over me once more.
Why do things always end up like gore?
Bloody fingernails are scratching up my limbs.
Rotten tress are grasping at my feet.

Not even a single ray of light can get through.
How is it possible to be in such danger?
Trying to run, to stay upright,
When did it become so hard…

Lost, Alone, my desperation kicks in.
Where is everyone, why am I the only one here?
Speeding through the town I see no one else,
Afraid I walk the path alone.

The sky seems to get clearer.
The moon comes out;
The stars come out.
But the unrequited feeling remains.

The light of the moon soothes me, 
Calms me.
Things can be so difficult, 
So demanding and stressful.

This life so full of choices,
And repressions.
Can it be that that I don’t live in a world of peace?

Where the birds sing, dance, and fly.
Where the flowers bloom their light all night.
Where the people laugh with merriment and grace. 

Oh, why, why can’t the world be my salvation?
Instead it’s my desperation, my starvation, my damnation.
My insolence binds me to this monstrous place.
I wonder if I will ever be free from this disgrace…

~Timafa~
Standing in the rain, feeling all the pain…I can’t help but feel relief because all my grief slowly washes away. 

What is the deal with life?

I’ve stopped posting my blogs on facebook…why? Well, because I’m kind of embarrassed because some of the things I’ve said are stupid or lame or just plain weird.  I like this font much more than the one I’ve been using. It’s smaller and it makes me feel like I can hide things easily. I feel sad again. I don’t know why I always end up having these irrelevant mood changes. I’m sick and I stayed home today, but that didn’t stop me from not doing the things that I needed to do. I have so much school related things to do, and apart from that I also need to get my make-up work. I have so many things to do it’s just astonishing to see that I procrastinate so much. I hate that I always do the same thing over and over no matter how many times I promise myself I won’t do it anymore. I truly do hate myself for that.

  

I hate that I have low self-confidence. I hate that I have to compare myself with others. I hate that I make myself feel so bad about myself. I hate that I can’t just accept myself. I hate that I always always end up thinking things that make me cringe inside. I hate that no matter how hard I try I always end up feeling like a failure. I hate that I can’t overcome things. I hate that I feel so insignificant at times. I hate that no matter how much I say it to myself it’s never going to happen. I hate that I can’t just let things go. I hate that others don’t like me. I hate that I am ugly. I hate that no matter how many times I say I don’t care I always do. I hate that every time someone swallows up my lies I feel so alone. I hate that no matter how many people are with me I end up feeling lonely like nobody really cares. I hate that I can’t believe things that are supposed to make me feel better. I hate feeling stupid. I hate being insecure with my feelings. I hate having to lie. I hate saying I understand when I don’t. I hate how pathetic I can be. I hate it when I don’t like a single thing about myself. I hate how I can’t just bring myself to express my feelings. I hate how I can be so morbid and closed out. I hate it when people think I’m such a “good” person when they don’t even know me. I hate it when I hear people talking about me when they don’t think I’m listening. I hate that I am so fat. I hate that I have trust problems. I hate it when I feel my parents don’t really care about me. I hate it when I can be so spoiled and bratty. I just can’t help but hate myself for that.

 

I just can’t help myself from replaying those things inside my mind over and over again. I just can’t help, but abhor myself sometimes. I guess it’s just part of who I am…? I don’t know, but sometimes I just wish that I was a different kind of person. I wish that I loved myself for who I am, and that I didn’t feel so insecure and lonely. Sometimes I feel like it’s truly impossible for me to change, like I’m here but I don’t care. I am not beautiful I am not skinny I am not thoughtful I am not sincere I am nothing…absolutely nothing. I’m just a presence mingling among those who are truly needed. 

  

It’s a hard thing to admit it to myself, but sometimes I just can’t help but let it go. I’m not the person you thought I was. I can’t and will never be that person that I want to be.  I can’t help, but live in accordance to that sometimes. I can’t help myself, but I want to. I can’t be who you want me to be. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to live with me (and my deluded self). 

~Timafa~

Sometimes living with the lies is the better way, but there comes a time when it’s all too much.

Here Is To The Newb

Lately I have been feeling depressed and sad…I really don’t know why though there isn’t really anything that is really bothring me, yet I feel so down.  I have been feeling fat, and I’ve started fasting some it makes me feel better…could it be that it makes me feel more conscious and better about myself? I know I am overweight I know I’m fat, but not eating seems to be my escape, and maybe I could throw in some excercise…I really don’t know, but I know it will make me feel better about myself, I know I will have to eat to satisfy my parents but maybe I can avoid doing that.  It just seems like it can be my escape, and maybe then I can finally feel better about myself and stop being so depressing…just maybe

-Timafa-